Froods, Towels and Magazine Bribery
by neko-on-fire
Summary: Kol meets Ford Prefect. Ford tells him of his many mishaps with Arthur Dent. But didn't they die when the Vorgans destroyed the earth once and for all? Find out how they survived and then watch them as they try to find the Question to the Answer.
1. A froody guy named Ford

It all started with some porn magazines and a towel...

* * *

"Fresh fish! Fresh fish! Straight from the Straight of Fanglebag sea!"

"Vegan shoes! Get your fresh vegan shoes!"

"Porn mags!"

"Eh what's that?"

"Porn magazines, sir,"

"I'll take three. No, these ones. Yeah. Thanks," he paid the stall holder a handful of small coins, and hurried on his way. He glanced at the back of his palm. Ah, he had ten minutes, but that was okay the space port was only round this corner...He looked up as he turned the corner, and whistled quietly. Udruxia XI's inter-stellar space port was an impressive sight. Slipping his newly acquired porn magazines into his satchel, he picked up the pace. It was nearly time, and he had to get at the port _just_ before the ship left, so they couldn't argue with him. A little smirk played across his face as he went through the force field that was the invisible wall of the ground floor, and looked around in awe. No wonder The Guide recommended visiting Udruxia XI, even if you never left the port.

"What do you mean no!? The Guide-"

"Look, I don't care what the fucking guide says; you're not coming on the ship!"

"Fuck you! I'll take my hitch hiking ass elsewhere!"

"Good riddance to you, sir, I hope you choke on your own vomit," the robot added a contemptuous note to its vocal unit, hoping it would sting the man. It didn't, and he slinked off into the shadows of a nearby ship to glare angrily at the large inter-stellar commercial cruiser that had refused to allow him on. Whilst crouching in the shadow of the ship, he tried to decide what to do next. He watched the cruiser taxi out of the bay, towards the launching pad. Fuck them. Pulling out his towel, he rubbed his hands on it roughly to warm them up. It was freezing cold in the space port. Most people didn't stand in the parking bays. They teleported onto the ships from the gates. Obviously people didn't care to keep their ships at a comfortable temperature. It took a few minutes for the huge ship to taxi away from its parking bay, and he almost sat down where he was and went to sleep. But something caught his eye, and his interest. It never ceased to amaze him how - even in the extraordinary vastness that was the universe - you still bumped into people you knew. The smirk that made its debut earlier showed up again for an encore. Picking up his satchel which he'd put down to rest his shoulders, he ducked his head against the cold of the port and hurried towards the sleek, familiar ship.

* * *

The door of the small private craft opened. It closed again.

"Hey don't be like that sweetie!" he called out, banging on the door with his fist. It felt like it was getting colder, and he wanted to get off this godforsaken planet already.

"Go away! I told you to never come back! Get the hell out of my life!" screamed the woman who'd opened the door from inside.

"Oh come on! You can't possibly remember me!" he protested, his fist resting against the door.

"I do!" came the despairing reply.

"Well...Forgive me?!" he tried to put a pleading, maybe even desperate thread into his voice. But it ended up sounding sardonic.

"How can I?" The door had opened again, and a dishevelled looking woman stood glaring down at him. He smiled weakly.

"Can we just be friends?" he offered up, though not meekly.

"Are you still with-?"

"Oh yes, we're deeply, deeply in love," he drawled sarcastically, pulling his beloved towel from his satchel. He made a show of putting it round his neck as a scarf. Good lord it was cold. He tried to make himself look upset that she wouldn't let him in out of the cold, but he ended up looking stupid. He never had been a good actor.

"Go away Kol," she muttered, moving to shut the door again. He – who turns out to be called Kol, in case you were wondering – suddenly leapt into action, swinging up his satchel and then the rest of his body into the open door of the private craft. Kol landed on the floor at the girl's feet with a thump and a towel-muffled 'oof'.

"You're not bringing that thing on the ship!" the girl squealed, jumping back in fright. Kol sat up and scowled at the girl, clutching his towel.

"Put me in the brig, I don't mind!" he shouted dramatically. She pouted unsurely, wondering if he'd let her put him in handcuffs, gag him and hang him from the ceiling too.

"No. I already have a hitch hiker hiding in the cargo hold, I don't want two," she concluded. This sparked Kol's interest. Who else would want to hitch a ride on a little ship like this?

"...Would you let me keep him/her/it company?" he asked hopefully, pulling one of his several previously purchased porn magazines and waving it under the girl's nose. Her eyes followed it, fixed on the cover girl.

"Ngh...nh..nnhh..." she grunted, trying to form the word no "...Oh Zark! Fine!" Kol's face split into a huge, smug grin.

"Froody! I knew you'd cave eventually. Where's this other hooper then?" Kol asked, sounding very chipper. The girl snatched the magazine from his hands.

"The cargo hold. Down there and to the left," she snapped, pointing him in the right direction.

"Delightful! Uh...know his/her/its name?" Kol added, as an afterthought. Greeting strangers with their names was an excellent ice breaker.

"Ford Prefect," she muttered, already wandering towards the ship's bridge. Kol nodded thoughtfully, taking the hint and picking up his satchel and towel, and heading in the direction of the cargo hold.

Ah, it was nice to be on the metaphorical hyperspacial road again.

* * *

_Ah um... I APOLOGIZE oAo_

_I have been absent from the community for a LOOOOOOONG time and any of you guys that watched me for my kingdom heart's fictions...well...sorry :'c_

_For new comers (or old fans who also like Hitch Hikers! :3), HI! I will be your host for this froody ride! I hope Kol and THE GIRL WHO I HAVE YET TO NAME will meld well into the HHGTTG universe, and I hope I get Ford right, because ilh! ;A;. _

_Ever wondered what became of everyone at the end of 'Mostly Harmless'? Well...okay they all died. But what if there was more to it than that?! Read on and find out ;D_

_Ly guys! ~_

_Reviews are like live Slipknot recordings to my ears!_


	2. Surviving Apocalypses for Dummies

"What do you mean you _lost _him!? You can't just _loose _Ford!" Arthur ranted, waving his arms vehemently and looking thoroughly pissed off with the whole zarking universe.

"I don't know? It's just...he was there with you; I know he was because I saw him..." Zaphod paused for effect, "But then he wasn't. " Zaphod's face said 'I'm froody and I don't give a damn where my semi-cousin went'. Arthur's face replied with ... well ... A lot of things at once. But the easiest one to pin down was 'fuck you'. Zaphod obviously spoke face, as he'd had a lot of practice in his time – or his Babel fish was working overtime.

"Come on Arthur! You're a froody guy, right? Actually no...you're the most un-froody guy I've ever met-" At this point, Zaphod was about to go off on a tangent about how the Earth was the most un-froody place to have come from in the Whole Sort of General Mish Mash, but then it dawned on him how upset Arthur was getting over _Ford _being missing. Well, he chuckled mentally to him-self, wait till he finds out whom else is missing!

"Trillian and Random are gone too, y'know," Zaphod threw casually into the conversation, spinning on his seat to give his third arm an extra hand with The Heart of Gold's controls. Arthur was still trying to coherently voice his distress at the absence of Ford. This second and third blow knocked him off his feet.

"_What?!_" Arthur screamed, storming towards Zaphod "What on ... on ... on ... _Earth _have you done?!" He thought that using the word Earth like that was a nice way to use it. It was irrelevant, but hopefully still poignant enough to leave a mark. Zaphod, annoyingly like his semi-cousin, lacked a need to blink regularly and also lacked the decency to do so at the mention of the over-evolved monkey man's suddenly non-existent (in any plane of probability or likelihood) home planet. And that _really _hurt.

"I dunno," Zaphod said, shrugging. He couldn't have been more nonchalant if he had a cigar in one of his mouths. Arthur spluttered, he scowled and he even considered stomping his feet.

"But I'm supposed to be dead!" he wailed, "I've been to Stavromula Beta!" This was all far too much for poor Arthur. This all started far too many years ago when the Earth first got blown up and bloody Ford Prefect decided to save him because obviously having the last of an extinct race of over-evolved monkeys was a really froody thing for a hitch hiker to have! Zaphod grinned.

"Ah, you see, this is where it gets interesting! Because of your connection with The Heart of Gold, everything that happens to you may or may not be intervened with by the improbability drive," Zaphod explained, like he was informing Arthur of how to tie his shoelace. Arthur stared at the two headed ex-galactic president. His eyelid jerked.

"Can you fly?" Zaphod asked suddenly, as if changing the subject all together.

"Y-yes..." Arthur replied cautiously, "But what has this got to do with anything?!"

"It wasn't a very probable thing to happen! This is why it did! There you go. That's why you're still alive. Because the_ probability _of you still being alive is infinitesimal," Zaphod concluded, looking pleased with him-self. Arthur had to sit down. This really was getting silly now. Every time he thought the end had finally, mercifully come, something happened that meant that miraculously he survived yet again.

"And Ford?" Arthur ventured, his brain nervous that Zaphod would launch into another brain mashing science lesson.

"Zarquon knows," Zaphod laughed, shrugging again.

"Oh," was all Arthur could come up with in reply as he sank further down into the chair.

"Y'see Arthur, because you and Ford were the only ones to survive the Earth's destruction first time round, it appears that you've managed to – by some perversion or other of the space-time continuum – survive it a second time," Zaphod seemed relentless in his mind mangling explanation of why Arthur was still alive. It was getting frustrating, because he still hadn't cleared up the whereabouts of Ford. Sighing, Arthur buried his face in his hands and wished very hard for a steaming cup of tea. Maybe spiked with cyanide or something similarly deadly. Arthur had half a mind to just jump out a window and die in the vacuum of space. He was sick and tired of surviving apocalypses. And he was even more sick and tired of being confused. His whole life has just been one huge confusing moment for poor Arthur. The only time he got a break was when he became the sandwich maker. He was very much craving a Perfectly Normal Beast sandwich, and a lazy evening polishing his sandwich making knife collection. To be honest, he felt perfectly depressed. Maybe he could go back to NowWhat and be the first to learn NowWhatian Boghog language. Maybe it'd kill him. Yes, that would be nice. There was a question nagging him. Why was he so worried about Ford? Arthur thought about it for a while. In the end he concluded that Ford was the only person other than himself in the whole existence of everything who knew anything about the Earth. Except for Zaphod, but you probably shouldn't trust a guy with two heads and an extra arm...

* * *

_Just a quick update! I'll probably have chapter 3 up by tonight. I'm not sure if Arthur will be included in the main narrative until he inevitably runs in with Ford again. I just thought it'd be a better way of explaining how they survived than having to put it in the narrative BD I'm starting to enjoy dialogue a little too much ARGH SAVE ME ABJSBRKJDBD._


	3. Meeting a froody guy named Ford

Whilst walking down the short corridor, Kol realised that when she'd said cargo hold, she kind of meant broom cupboard. Opening the door of said cupboard, he was pleasantly surprised to see it was a large one. He peered into the room curiously and his eyes searched for the other hitch hiker. A figure lay slumped against a box, toying with a battered looking book in his long-fingered hands.

"Hello, Ford Prefect," Kol said, allowing a small flicker of a smile. The man's head jerked up in surprise, electric blue eyes catching Kol's gaze. Kol moved forward into the room, and Ford raised himself into an alert crouch, clutching his satchel close to his body with one hand whilst keeping his balance with the other. Slowly, a manic grin that made Kol feel like he was about to get eaten or severally bodily harmed spread across Ford's face.

"Hello...?" Ford seemed ready to greet Kol by name, but lacked the ability to do so.

"Kol," he said, walking closer to Ford and sitting down next to what he had decided would be _his _box. Ford eyed Kol warily, wondering what to make of his new companion. Eventually he lowered himself back down to his slumped position, and took the book out of its cover. He slung the cover aside and it ended up close enough to Kol for him to read it. It said 'Don't Panic' in large, friendly letters. It also looked like it had traversed the entire galaxy, been sat on, trodden on, kicked, eaten, digested, laser blasted and all manner of other nasty things. Kol reached out and picked it up, and smiled. It was a copy of The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It looked a lot more used (although rather less loved) than his own copy. Kol passed it back to Ford, who snatched it protectively and shoved it in his satchel under a sad looking floral print towel.

"Belgium," muttered Ford, still glaring down at his book. Kol felt awkward, all of a sudden. There had been a feeling in the room when Kol had entered it, and now he had decided the feeling was emanating from the small, scrawny man sitting opposite him. It wasn't a nice feeling. It made Kol feel like he should help Ford look for something very important but hadn't been given an adequate description of exactly what it was and why it was important. Kol coughed and Ford's eyes flicked up to stare unblinkingly at him, daring him to cough again. Kol wasn't an idiot, and he didn't take the challenge.

"Where are you from?" Kol asked casually.

"Betelgeuse," Ford muttered, scowling. He didn't like Kol, not one bit. He seemed to know what he was doing, and Ford didn't like that. He needed to explain things to someone. He needed his confused monkey man. But he knew that when he found his confused monkey man, Arthur would ask him how the hell they survived the Earth being exploded. And to be perfectly honest, Ford didn't have a clue, which worried him greatly. He hadn't turned The Guide on since he'd realised that the Vorgons had completely trashed it with utter nonsense. Even though deep down, Ford knew that The Guide had originally been full of nonsense, but that wasn't the point. It hadn't been _Vorgon _nonsense. He looked up when he heard Kol humming to himself and saw that Kol was browsing through his own, slightly better cared for version of The Guide.

"What's the point?" Ford asked. Kol looked up from reading an article on breaking the ice with morose strangers.

"Of what?"

"What?"

"You asked me what the point was," Kol said patiently, trying to not get frustrated with the little man from Betelgeuse.

"I didn't," Ford snapped. Kol sighed and looked back at his book. This was going to be a long journey.

After what felt like a decade of silence, Ford said something.

"I used to be a hoopy frood once. I knew where my towel was, y'know. I also knew where my monkey man was. And I had more than three Altairian dollars to live off a day. But then the Vorgons screwed it all up! You know what they did?" Ford sounded angry, like he was venting all his life's woes on Kol, "They assigned me as a restaurant columnist!" the Betelgeusian spluttered, and then spat on the ground.

"Belgium," he concluded, then lapsed into silence once more. Kol tried to get this extraordinarily strange man to speak again, but he refused. Kol was so bored he'd already got to an article on sentient cans of deodorant.

"Why are you reading that trash?!" Ford asked suddenly, still sounding seriously angry.

"...I'm bored," Kol shrugged, feeling a little put out by Ford's unpredictably explosive behaviour. Several strange expressions crossed the man's face, and he snatched up his own book, and typed furiously on its small keyboard. He blinked.

"Holy Belgium," Ford breathed, before his manic grin appeared once more, "You see this!?" he exclaimed, throwing himself forwards so he was crouched in front of Kol, waving his book in his face.

"Look! Look what it says!" he cackled, giddy with glee. Kol frowned, and peered at the book waving around in front of him. _Earth: Mostly harmless_.

"Um...Sure? What the hell is this?" Kol sighed, peering at the article. He didn't quite seem to be getting the significance, and hoped that squinting at it would unveil some kind of subliminal message.

"Well, a long time ago I got sent to this planet called Earth. The only word this article said about it was _Harmless. _I got stuck there for fifteen years, and all I got for that work was one extra word. But I met this guy there who was kinda froody in a not froody kind of way, if y'know what I mean? But then the planet got blown up by the Vorgons but I saved myself and the monkey man – "

The author would like to point out that although she could have written an entire run through of all five books, she spared you the pain. At this point in the narrative, Ford flung himself into a short rendition of everything that happened to him between the Vorgons blowing up the Earth first time round, and now. Although the author would love to tell you how fantastic Ford's memory was, she can't, and he left out some interesting details. But let's continue.

When Ford had finished, he felt quite breathless, but pleased with himself none-the-less.

"But ... What I fail to understand is why you are so excited about the article in The Guide?" Kol questioned cautiously, feeling inadequate to ask questions about the story he'd just heard. Ford hadn't really ended it with an 'okay, feel free to ask questions now' air about his voice.

"Because it means The Guide is back to normal!" Ford spluttered, looking quite flustered. Kol was still slightly confused.

"When wasn't it normal?"

"When the Vorgons took over! ... Oh..." Ford looked back down at the guide thoughtfully. He hadn't read from it since he'd conveniently appeared suddenly on Udruxia XI. It dawned on him that perhaps the destruction of every Earth in the existence of everything had also destroyed the second version of The Guide. Maybe it had destroyed all trace of itself, including the havoc it had wreaked on the original Guide. The manic grin made another appearance. Kol grumbled and fidgeted.

"I really wish you'd stop looking like I'm your next meal," he groaned. Ford laughed and shuffled back to his original spot, slumped against the box opposite Kol.

"So, tell me about your-self," Ford said, smiling as un-insanely as he could manage.

* * *

_Umm...I don't know? Ha-ha! This seems quite ... useless. It's more of an experiment with Ford. I wanted to get the feel of him in my own style, y'know? I don't think I've quite got it, but I'll try! 8D _

_Thanks for reading. Reviews are the food of my muse T-T_


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